I am in the midst of a remarkable transformative experience. A very old and toxic story that had taken up residence in my head (or my soul – difficult to say for sure) has been given a cease and desist order, and a new story is in the process up of cleaning house. “I’m a fraud and not really worthy (of love, respect, etc. etc)” has, to greater and lesser degrees, depending on the moment, held sway for a very long time. Intellectually I knew it was garbage thinking, but somewhere deep inside I continued to believe it. And so it was that it colored much of how I experienced my life. The triumphs were diminished, and the set-backs were magnified. There was always a shadow of doubt hanging over achievements and even relationships (perhaps especially relationships). But over the past several months (a relatively brief span of time) that old story has lost its grip. I am watching a miracle unfold inside my soul. “I am worthy of love and joy. I am capable of love. My life matters.” This new story is still so fresh that I am not yet used to it. It feels odd. But I am absolutely certain that it is true. I can feel it. At first it was a mild sense of ecstasy as this new reality began to take hold. I was in awe. The old way of being had held sway for so long that its absence is taking more than a bit of internal adjustment. And now, lately, I am beginning to notice that the ecstasy is starting to fade. I’m not experiencing quite the “high” as had been true in the beginning. There are moments when I’m tempted to worry that maybe it won’t last. But fortunately I continue to hold a deep confidence that the transformation is real and rooted in the profound truth that my life does matter and I am worthy, just as is true for everyone else on the planet. I don’t know how all of this will play out. I don’t know what my life will look like going forward. Except that I know I am already filled with more peace and groundedness than I have experienced maybe forever. I am grateful for the love and support of my friends and family who have helped this gift to unfold and take root. It has taken me a long time to reach this point. Which is, apparently, precisely the amount of time which was necessary. Gratitude abounds.
Thanks, Roger. You touch important elements that make transformation both elusive and a powerful experience.
Talking about it creates the miracle. Human beings just rock that way. Thanks for all the love and light you spread.
Beloved Roger-So elated for your transformation into this deeper truth and reality. May you learn to trust and rest. In it.