I participated in an intense week-end workshop focused on dramatic and dynamic personal/global transformation. One of the things we focused on was what gets in the way of our transformation, including what the workshop refers to as my “Act,” which is the construct out of which I operate (mostly unconsciously) that shapes the ways in which I see myself and how I am in the world. My particular version of the Act is “I am a fraud, and I need to do everything I can to keep people from finding out that I’m a fraud.” It runs in the background ALL the time, and has been for most of my life. When I make a mistake this Act tells me how small and unworthy I am. I’ve been recognizing this for a while, but what came clear this morning is how much it shapes the ways I perceive myself in the world even when I haven’t made a mistake. I take it on anyway. Everything is my fault!
Some of you who know me and are reading this may be tempted to offer some variation on, “Oh, but Roger, you aren’t a fraud! What you have shared with me has meant so much, and I really appreciate you.” I’m not just making this up. I’ve had people tell me such things. But that is really beside the point. My Act has not allowed me to really hear that and truly take it in. In fact, when my Act is really running at full strength it will weaponize such statements and use them against me. “If only they knew the truth…” And then I get to feel guilty for being a fraud and fooling you. It really is insidious.
But something extraordinary has taken place for me this week-end. I have experienced all of this in a powerful new way, and I have taken a step into a new world. This morning I composed a vision for who I am becoming –
“Standing outside the world of my Act (I am a fraud – I am small – I am not worthy or powerful) I am claiming the possibility of being fully myself – a self that is powerful and big and connected. I will make mistakes and when I do I will own them and clean them up as soon as I become aware of them, and I will not be defined by those mistakes.”
And then this afternoon, after doing some work which opened up the possibility that we can literally call new realities into being, we were invited to create a declaration for the life we are stepping into – a declaration which isn’t just for me but for the whole world that I am embodying. It was a profound exercise! This is what came to me (almost instantly), and the moment I put it on paper I started weeping. I knew something powerfully true had found me! When I spoke these words to the group I could feel transformation flowing through my very being, connecting me to something larger than myself. “Who I am is the possibility of beauty, awe, and wonder!”
I do not know where this experience will lead me, because it is still unfolding (and will be for the rest of my days), but I am confident that something remarkable has been unleashed. I am excited to begin discovering what comes next, and I invite you to join me on the journey!