How do I feel? What’s going on in my heart? To be honest I’m not sure. I came awake, heard the news, and started searching for words to describe my reaction. Heartbroken, disheartened, bereft, adrift, frightened, a loss of faith (in my country, in my fellow citizens, in myself), disillusioned, lost, confused. Probably so many more words and phrases I simply haven’t thought of yet. The Sandra Boyton image that accompanies this post (bless her heart) seems like good advice, except that in this moment I’m not sure how to actually keep from losing heart. I think that ship already sailed. None of this is the final word, for me, for our country, or for the world. But in this moment it’s all I seem able to see. It seems like everything I’ve been saying and doing (stay positive, look for beauty, trust the Universe, be grateful) is just so much bullshit. I’m pretty sure that’s not true either, but right now I’m having trouble finding the Light. I’m concerned for some of my friends who are very exposed and vulnerable right now. I want to find a way to be a supportive partner for them and with them. And I can’t see what that looks like yet. I wish I could end this reflection on some positive and hopeful note. But I’m not there yet. Perhaps the hope can be found in the fact that several times in the last few sentences I used the word “yet.” Which brings to mind a scene from Tolkien’s “The Hobbit.” Bilbo and the Elves are lost in the forest, so Bilbo climbs a tree to get a better perspective. He pokes his head up through the canopy and all he can see is trees that stretch on forever in all directions. It seems hopeless. But in his despair he fails to notice that he is in the middle of a bowl. The path they are seeking is just out of sight beyond the lip of the bowl. I can’t see what the future holds for me or for the world. Not yet. Not yet. To be continued…