I’m only a week into my big road trip, and already there’s been a surprise. Well, actually, there have been several surprises, but at the moment I’m paying attention to one in particular.
It’s been 14 years since my wife, Veronica, died. She is never really very far from my awareness, but usually it’s in a “fleeting thought” sort of way. Over the course of the last few days, however, that has shifted pretty dramatically. It began on the last night of Dance Camp, when she made an actual appearance in the wind. Then a couple of days later I visited Mesa Verde (not really thinking about the fact that the last time I was there, 16 years ago, was with her). Around every corner I found myself feeling her presence. The following day driving through Moab proved to be more of the same. Showing up in the wind left me in tears. The past few days my response has not been as poignant, but it was still a sweet remembering.
What do I make of all of this? Why is she showing up now? I’m not sure. I have an answer. I’m not sure there has to be an answer. Gift don’t always have to arrive for a particular reason. Sometimes they are just gifts, and should be received, appreciated, and enjoyed as such. What I know is that the surprise “visitations” from Veronica have been sweet reminders that Love is a powerful thing, and such power is not diminished simply because someone dies. Her Love remains. Maybe she showed up to remind me of that truth.
On my drive yesterday morning I was listening to Carrie Newcomer. First she sang about “the curious promise of limited time” and I was aware that the Love which showed up within the context of the 6 1/2 years we had together (limited time, indeed) still holds great promise even now. Then, a few songs later, Carrie saying “It’s Love that breaks your heart, Love that tears the world apart, always Love that makes it worth it in the end.” In spite of the fact (or perhaps because of the fact) that her death almost killed me, I would do it all again in a heartbeat, because Love really is the only game in town. At least the only one worth talking about.
So I’ll keep showing up, with my heart wide open, ready to receive whatever Love shows up. And here’s the thing — Love always keeps showing up. Always! Because that’s what Love does.And it never, ever stops.
Love is relentless, isn’t it? Sometimes I’m not ready to receive it, and it shows up anyway because I’ve invested myself in surrender as a practice for many years.