Today is the sixteenth anniversary of the day my world turned upside down and all the color drained out. It began with a phone call from my daughter – “Come quick! Mom can’t breathe!” A mad dash to the hospital. A hellish scene filled with doctors, nurses, and technicians doing everything they could to keep my beloved wife alive. Me standing in a corner with daughters next to me as I whispered, “Peace! Love! Light!” over and over. And finally, after three times of her heart stopping I said, “Please stop. Just stop.” And then the reality I had recognized the moment I walked into the room came crashing in on me. She was gone. As I have said on other occasions, it didn’t kill me but I’m not entirely sure why not.
But now, sixteen years later, here I stand. My life looks very different than it did all those years ago in that bleak hospital room so filled with loss. I am surrounded by people who love me. I sing and dance and play on a regular basis. I go for long walks and take interesting photos. I pay attention as haikus show up in my brain. I work on encouraging healing and growth, so that I can continue to become more deeply, fully, honestly the person I was born to be. Often there are good days. Frequently there are amazing moments. Sometimes there are challenges when old habits and darker tendencies find their way to the surface. And always there are opportunities to begin again in each new moment.
On that morning sixteen years ago, I felt broken beyond all imagining. But today, what is foremost in my awareness is a deep sense of gratitude – for my life, for the overwhelmingly remarkable gift of family and friends who offer me love and support, for the beauty in this world that shines through and nourishes me whenever I remember to pay attention, and for the profoundly amazing and transformative gift of love that I was privileged to experience in those brief years I spent in the company of Veronica Lassen. I am blessed beyond all reckoning, and all I can do now is continue doing my best to live a life worthy of that blessing. And so, once again, I step onto the path that leads me into the future which is calling me on.
Thanks for sharing your experience here Roger. I treasure the moments that I have been able to share in your presence, or voices blended in our celebration of all things that make life so worth experiencing, pain and loss included. I’m so happy that you are thriving and able to so sweetly share your wisdom with a wide circle of friends and family. Be well and carry on.